PHOTO ABOVE: JESSIE GURUNATHAN / SUPPLIED
Amie McNee, 30, who is an author and creative in Sydney, has decided her future will be childfree.
“When I thought of my future [as a kid], I always imagined having children in it. I grew up pretending, playing house and having children. I was also a kid and a teenager and young woman who had a lot of work with young kids, so I had this very strong narrative of ‘I’m maternal, I will end up having children one day’, and there was not a lot of questioning at all.”
In reflection, Amie says her attraction to children was more her want to be seen as an adult, rather than a mother. She saw a young girl who wanted to be ‘all grown up’. Now, she has no desire for having children of her own.
“It’s only now that I’m realising that I wanted to be seen and respected as an individual, and as an adult. It wasn’t ever really about having a connection with kids.”
Those around her confused by the shift, Amie says she’s received some questions and criticism.
“They're always like, 'Oh, but you've done so much work with children. You know, you've always seemed to connect really well with young kids' like, 'what's happened'. And I think that's been really hard because I think the story was imprinted upon me that this is the type of person that I was. So it's really only been over the last five years from like, 25 onwards that I've been like, this actually isn't something I want.”
Watching friends and family enter parenthood “because it was the next thing to do” has been eye opening for Amie. She says for some, it was clear parenthood was not what they expected.
Amie realised then that something so lifechanging needed to be strongly considered for herself.
“Over the last three years, it’s been something that I’ve gone to therapy about. I write about it frequently, because I’ve felt this huge grief of letting go of a future that I thought I would want and realize that I have literally have no desire for it.”
Grief, for Amie, has been the most shocking part of her journey. She says it’s a strange grief – grieving for something she doesn’t want but is seen as a natural pathway.
“It’s grieving a story that I was sold that isn’t real and grieving a very hard reality check…an un-romanticising of what parenthood actually is.”
Anna Dean is a freelance impact producer and a woman working on many creative projects – including the latest Spinoff video series ‘Chris and Eli’s Porn Revolution’. At 44, she is glad she hasn’t had children.
But grief is something she too has experienced.
“It definitely felt like a mourning period, and a great period of grief that I went through for about six months. I couldn’t watch any TV shows or storylines or plot narratives that involved birthdays and graduation, children’s birthdays, just that whole kind of child rearing thing.”
Although she had given herself a deadline of 38 to be settled down with children, Anna laughs. She says she’s been in lots of different relationships, including marriage, and she’s very glad she hasn’t had children with any of them.
“[Grief] is something that doesn’t get talked about a lot, how yes you can be righteous and you can be clear in your decision, but sometimes the hormonal weight and the social pressure can feel like a death or a process that requires a bit of mourning.”
Anna cautions women who are in their 20s and 30s who are making that decision to be childfree to know there can be a time where emotionally, it’s difficult.
In the social media space, many women are feeling more comfortable to share their journey – whether it’s on the identity of being childfree or becoming a mother. Amie says she sees many mothers expressing the raw vulnerability and reality of motherhood, stories she doesn’t think have been heard before.
Amie shared her decision to be childfree in an Instagram post earlier this month. She’s grateful for the supportive replies, but for some content creators, the backlash can be brutal.
Danni Duncan, a 32-year old from Ōtautahi Christchurch, posts regularly about her choice in being childfree.
On her Instagram page, she shared a comment a person made to her: “it seems like you’re defining your choices by the very thing you don’t want to be defined by.”
In reply, she wrote, “as a woman, society defines me whether I want them to or not, so why not embrace and celebrate the positive parts of my decision not to have children?”
“It’s always “when do you think you’ll have children and how many do you want?” rather than “how’s the career going and what things have you been doing for yourself lately?”
Danni continued, “I wish women were seen as far more than a womb and a mother, and maybe we’re slowly getting there, but until the expectations go away I think it’s very fair those of us choosing not to procreate define ourselves by what is a very important, self-aware decision.”
She asked her followers to imagine being a mother who had never been given the space to think about motherhood, and how the decision has impacted your life. “You’re ‘just meant to live it’”, she says.
In the same post, she writes, “it may be perceived as showing off, but surely as a mother you can understand the frustration of not feeling seen as anything beyond having children? All women want to be celebrated, and rightly so.”
The comment section is saturated with other woman’s experiences – those who are both mothers, and childfree.
Receiving another comment on her social media saying, “why are more people feeling proud to say they are choosing to be childfree”, Danni makes it into a post.
She writes, “while I’m absolutely not the sole reason (there’s many others), I’m still very proud to have publicly shared this journey of me realising I don’t want to have children. If you don’t understand why I chose to “make it my whole personality”…well, you don’t understand and that’s the point.”
“I’m so glad to have helped create this movement of people who feel more comfortably to discuss their reasons for maybe not having children and to not feel shame in that.”
Sharing reels, stories, and posts on being childfree alongside fashion, interior design, and lifestyle, Danni could be described as a “childfree activist”. Being childfree isn’t all that she posts, but as she navigates her choice, like many other women do, bringing visibility to her decision is a big part of it.
Jessie, Aimie, Danni, and Anna all understand and feel positive that for some women, motherhood is the right choice. Many have friends and whānau who have little ones, and they enjoy spending time looking after them.
