Our Place: being queer in Aotearoa New Zealand

JORJA PARSONS, 19, ON COMING OUT AS NON-BINARY  

"In an ideal world, I'd love it if everyone looked at me and the first thought wasn't 'woman', [but] that's just a person. I know that a lot of the people I care about, a lot of my friends, they don't see me as a woman, they see me as just Jorja. They don't see me as this third gender, non-binary. It's just me, not a guy or a girl."  

Meet Jorja, a 19-year-old Polytech student studying Screen and Television. In July last year, Jorja came out as non-binary, identifying with the pronouns they/them.  

But Jorja's journey began a lot earlier than in 2021. Growing up, they struggled with feelings of shame.  

"My parents always called me the tomboy. I wasn't a very girly girl. And it made me feel a little bit ashamed of my femininity," they say.   

When Jorja started high school, they felt pressure to conform to the beauty standards of teenage girls - wearing make-up, shaving, and 'dying your hair blonde'.   

"For years, I had a lot of identity issues. I remember in Year 12, Year 11, I was fully like, 'I seriously don't know who I am'. I felt like I was putting on an act."  

Conflicted between the 'tomboy' and the 'girly girl', they say they now don't recognise themselves in photos from the past.   

"Physically, I look a lot different. But also, I remember how I felt back then," Jorja says.  

Now, they feel at peace. Jorja says how freeing they feel in being able to dress feminine, masculine, and androgynous.   

"I can just be who I am without having to justify or excuse it...it's been very euphoric realizing and coming to the conclusion that I am non-binary."  

When they came out to their friends, parents, and class, they were met with love and support. Jorja says they appreciate the effort in using their new pronouns.  

"I understand that people may not fully understand it, but they still respect it, which I really appreciate. You don't have to fully understand to respect it, if that makes sense."  

Both their parents are very supportive.   

In 2019, the NZ Youth19 survey found one in 100 participants identified as transgender or non-binary. The survey also found 64% of transgender students said they had at least one parent who was supportive.   

But outside of their support network, Jorja says having to argue and justify their identity is exhausting. Online and in the rainbow community, they say there is always conflict. Although grateful for the resources and relatability, they say at times it can feel like there is a hierarchy.   

"We're all in this marginalized community. Obviously, some people have worse experiences than others...but that doesn't mean we need to compete against each other."  

QTopia spokesperson Jennifer Shields acknowledges there’s conflict. She says a sense of competitiveness can be tied to the influence and performance of social media and how others relate to each other online. She says feelings of shame are not a productive place to be working from.  

“I think when we’re thinking about how we can be better allies and how we can build strong communities – not just the rainbow community but communities in general - it’s really about bringing people along with us and making sure we’re helping people learn more rather than shaming them for what they don’t know.”. 

“It’s not so much about how good we are, but how good our community is.” 

Around disrespectful straight men and women, Jorja would rather pick their battles than be put at risk.  

"I don't have to educate you, I don't have to teach you. It's not my job," they say.  

Jennifer agrees there is a general social expectation that people can ‘just go up and ask’ members from all communities, including rainbow, to educate or share their personal story.  

But starting conversations out of context isn’t very appropriate. Most people just want to live their lives. 

"I'm simply just existing,” Jorja says. “I don't have to prove my identity."  

SHANEEL LAL, 22, ON TRANSPHOBIA AND QUEER REPRESENTATION IN THE MEDIA   

Meet Shaneel, a law student, anti-conversion therapy activist, and South Asian Fijian non-binary person who also goes by the pronouns they/them. In 2019, Shaneel made waves with their speech in Youth Parliament on banning conversion therapy. Since then, they’ve featured in Vogue and the Forbes 30 Under 30 list for founding action group End Conversion Therapy NZ.   

Earlier this year, conversion therapy was banned here in New Zealand. But, Shaneel explains, transphobia still exists.  

“Slowly, it has become socially acceptable to be gay. However, now what we’re seeing is what gay men were facing in the 1980s is what trans people are starting to face in the 2020s,” Shaneel says.  

A 2018 Human Rights Commission report found between 2008 and 2019, it received 1,947 complaints made on the ground of gender identity and sex, and 377 on the ground of sexual orientation. 212 of these complaints were made by persons who identified as transgender, non-binary, or intersex.  

Shaneel says the cis gay and lesbian community have been removed from the fight of trans people. But they say that a lot of prominent transphobic people come from within the rainbow community. 

An LGB (Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual) Alliance group was formed in New Zealand this year. The public Facebook group has over 400 followers.   

LGB Alliance Aotearoa says the group exists "to provide support, advice, information, and community to men and women who are same-sex attracted."  

Shaneel says it’s weaponizing a queer identity against another. 

LGB says the group was set up in July 2022 in response to calls from New Zealanders who felt that their voices were no longer being heard in the rainbow community.  

LGB do not claim to be cisgender, saying they reject the very concept of gender identity. 

"We are neither anti-trans nor a hate group. We are pro-LGB." 

QTopia spokesperson Jennifer Shields says transphobia in the rainbow community is definitely something that happens.  

“I can’t speak to necessarily how often, but our community is like any other right? It’s just filled up with people, and even though someone might be part of the rainbow community in terms of their sexuality, it doesn’t necessarily or immediately mean they will have a good understanding of gender diversity. It’s something we have to learn about like anyone else”.  

Well-known for their activism in-person and online, Shaneel admits they don’t sugar-coat anything.  

“I’m one of those people that kind of put things bluntly…and that’s not me being rude. It’s just that I have limited time in the day”.   

“What people very naturally do is take offense at that. People on social media at the moment are currently reading everything with a very negative, very angry lens,” Shaneel says. “So anything that challenges their worldview, or their mindset about something, they immediately just turn it off, they just don’t want to engage with them – or they attack it.”  

Shaneel thinks this adversity fosters a dangerous environment for young people to be involved in.   

A 2018 Netsafe report found 4 in 10 teenagers use five or more social media platforms.  

In twenty years, Shaneel says, a young person today will be prime minster. If Gen Z grow up polarised, unable to work together, and reluctant to learn or understand, they question what kind of prime minister they will be.  

Although they feel they, as a non-binary person, are “expected” to write about racism and trans rights with little reward, they understand the importance of representation of trans and queer people in the media.   

Shaneel says, however, it seems queer has become synonymous with pain and trauma.   

“I feel as though there is a lot of value in representing happy queer people, because that kind of just gives hope to those young queer people that a happy future as a queer person is possible.”   

Now in the third year of their law degree, and with a strong consideration to run for government in 2026, they laugh, commenting on the fact that they’re talking about “young people”.  

Pointing at the both of us, they say how we’re only 22.